(Scene: Interior of a Goodwill store in Phoenix. Jerry and George are looking at shirts.)
JERRY: You know, it’s the second button that literally makes or breaks the shirt.
GEORGE: I think I’ve heard that before. So tell me again, what is it we are doing in Phoenix, Arizona?
JERRY: Shopping for shirts.
GEORGE: No! I mean…. Look, I know when we got out of jail our apartments were gone, our jobs were gone…
JERRY (holding up a cactus-print shirt): Whaddya think?
GEORGE: What? Oh… (Looking over the shirt.) Nah. Too Kramer. Everything was gone when we got back and then there was the depression…
JERRY: We moved here for one reason, my friend. To forget. Forget the past, the once great lives we led. To find a place so desolate, so removed, so totally…totally…
JERRY: Goes without saying.
JERRY: I’ll take that. (Picks up another shirt.) How about this one?
GEORGE: There’s a hole in the back.
JERRY: Only one? I’m buying this baby!
GEORGE: That’s another thing. We used to shop in real stores for real things. Here we are in Goodwill, looking for cheap deals.
JERRY: That’s what happens when you’re broke and in a recession.
JERRY: You know there’s some disagreement about that.
GEORGE: Well if it’s not a Depression, why am I so depressed? Tell me that Jerry!
JERRY: All right, all right. Let’s just go back to my apartment.
ELAINE (in voice-over): What the heck am I doin’ here? I used to walk down Broadway. Now I’m walking down Hell Street, Arizona. Look at those cactus’s. Or are they cacti? Who cares! (She sticks her thumb far up in the air as a car rushes by, ignoring her. She yells.) Oh thanks! Thanks a lot for thinking of a fellow human being! (Returning to voice-over.) Sheesh it’s hot. If I don’t get picked up soon I’ll never make it. (Suddenly, a pick-up truck pulls over to the edge of the road and stops. ELAINE looks into the cab and speaks.) Going to Phoenix?
VOICE FROM TRUCK: Phoenix? Si. Phoenix. Me llamo Carlos. Y tu eres muy bonita. Vamos a Phoenix! (The passenger door opens and ELAINE stares.)
(End of scene. New scene: Interior, Jerry’s Phoenix apartment. Small, dark and sparsely furnished. The door opens and JERRY and GEORGE enter.)
GEORGE: I can’t figure out what to do next, Jerry. There’s no work for me here.
JERRY: Why should that stop you? You’ve never actually worked before, anyway.
(Suddenly, a swivel chair in the corner of the living room swivels around and sitting there smoking a pipe is…)
KRAMER: Hey buddies!
KRAMER: One and the same.
JERRY: How the hell did you get in here?
KRAMER: Lomez made me a skeleton key that can get me into anything.
JERRY: But…but…how did you find me?
KRAMER: The post office knows all, my friend.
JERRY (clenching jaw and fist): Newman….
GEORGE: But Kramer, after we all got out of jail, and we found out we couldn’t get back into our apartments, we all decided to go our separate ways. Jerry came here…
JERRY: Got a job hosting the Tempe Comedy Club!
GEORGE: And I stayed in Queens with my parents until last month, when my parents kicked me out and I came here. Where did you go?
KRAMER: I went back to Hollywood for a while, but it didn’t work out.
JERRY: Really, why?
KRAMER: Too many memories.
JERRY: Where are you staying?
KRAMER: Well, I was under the impression I was staying here.
JERRY: What? No, you can’t stay with me… (Kramer walks to the refrigerator and opens the door). This is just a little one-bedroom apartment.
KRAMER: Say, where’s the fruit?
JERRY: What? Oh, It’s hard to get fresh fruit here. There are frozen blueberries in the freezer.
KRAMER (doing double take): Are you tryin’ to kill me?
JERRY: Anyway, there’s not enough room here for you to stay.
KRAMER: What about George’s place?
GEORGE: Oh no, no. My place is way over in southern Scottsdale.
KRAMER: Oh, Snotsdale, eh? Come into some bucks, buddy?
GEORGE: What, me? Huh. You forget who you’re talkin’ about. Money and I are strictly in a Platonic relationship – no contact. Southern Scottsdale is no different from Phoenix and my place is just as small and dumpy as Jerry’s.
JERRY (hands on hips): But not nearly as clean.
KRAMER: Well, just where am I supposed to live?
(End of scene.)
(New scene: Interior of Carlos’ pick-up.)
ELAINE: So, I’m trying to find these three doofusses…well, one of them’s a doofuss, the others are more like plain old losers.
CARLOS: Y porque?
CARLOS: Perdoname, senorita, I mean, why you want to find two losers and a doofus?
ELAINE: Oh, because… You know, that’s a good question….
CARLOS: Maybe you stay with Carlos instead.
ELAINE: Carlos, Carlos…That’s a Mexican name, right?
CARLO: Si, si, verdad, un nombre Mexicano.
ELAINE: You wouldn’t be one of those illegal immigrants everybody’s talking about, Carlos, would you?
(CARLOS pulls the truck over to the side of the road.) The term we use, senorita bonita, is “undocumented worker.” And by the way (he pulls out a piece of paper) here is my cell phone number.
ELAINE: Oooooh… (As CARLOS gets the truck back on the road, ELAINE goes once again into voice-over mode.) Me dating an illegal immigrant. Well, why not. I’ve dated a communist, a poor man, a pretend-maestro and Puddy, whatever he was. Sure, what the hey….
(end of scene)
(New scene- interior of Jerry’s apartment.)
JERRY: So that’s what I think George should do.
KRAMER: That’s a great idea!
GEORGE: I don’t know. I’m not that good with horses.
KRAMER: Oh c’mon George, everybody wants to be a cowboy!
GEORGE: The horse’s eyes scare me.
(There’s a knock at the door and JERRY opens it. It’s ELAINE.)
JERRY: Oh my God! Lainie!
KRAMER: Hoochee Mama!
(They all hug and there’s general joy as they dance around the room.)
KRAMER: This is just like old times. We need to go to Monk’s! Hey Jerry, where’s a coffee shop around here?
JERRY (looking sheepish and avoiding eye contact): Well….
(End of scene.)
(New scene. Interior of…Denny’s.)
GEORGE (very downbeat): Could you pass the ketchup, please? A lot of it.
ELAINE: This is the brownest Big Salad I’ve ever had.
JERRY: Well, if you wanted something green, you should’ve ordered the shrimp.
ELAINE: But shrimp isn’t… (JERRY gives her a look and KRAMER lifts a burger to his mouth.)
END OF FIRST EPISIODE